Pains

Happy time, easy come easy go. I try my best to control myself and be possitive, put the anxiety down, but useless.

Last night I said something really bad to Ding. When we talk on phone he mentioned how abnormal his teacher of PR was. Ignore her, I answered. He lost his temper and said, I know what to do, telling you this didn't mean I expect your answers or so-called solutions. I calm my anger and told him if he had nothing to say I would go to sleep. I hang up the phone but couldn't close my eyes. This was not the first time he talk to me in that way. He stressed his likes and dislikes over and over again. That make me anxious all the time. I think that's kind of the reason why I always doubt myself even be harsh on me. What was worse, I lost my control and sent him a very caustical message then turn off my phone.

Obviously I can't be happy or relaxed today. The words I said, the attitude he had, the things happened before. Those knives fly to me and chop my heart into pieces. We haven't had heat-to-heart talk recently, after what happened last night, it only made things worse. Or just like before, We choose to forget even pretend it never occured. But I can't forget.

I don't kown from when I can't communicate with him. The relationship became fragile and strange. I'm not sure if he wanna talk to me. I sunk into the old days we had. How close we used to be.

I asked him if he care about me being hurt by messages. He asked me instead, what is "care ahout" and what is "not care about". Then I know my try means nothing and nothing can ease my pains.