Ability Is kernel For me.

I've been filled with different kinds of books recently. That make me wanna keep quiet and think a lot. I consulted some film books and make a list of the books I had to read. More than 15 in all. I'm prepared to finish them before the next semester. I also listed the movies I had to see according to those books either. Maybe hundreds aggregately. From 1895 till now. I'd like to admit that there are a number of excellent films back to the end of 19th century.

In order to improve my English listening, I get up early everyday and watch Late Show or 60 Minutes on youtube. At first it was quite hard for me to watch shows or news without subtitle. I can't catch the anchor's words and often confused about what they were laughing at. By and by, almost a week later, I can understand a lot more. Sometimes it is easier for me if the conversation is slow and simple.

It became colder and colder these days in Zhuhai. I wandered how I came through it last year. The freezing wind drill through my clothes and keep me trembling. The air is damp even though the sun is still shines. I couldn't sleep well for the quilt wasn't thick enough to prevent me from the coldness. So I called my mom to send me another quilt. I cover the new quilt on the old one and feel so warm.

The economy crisis is worse than the weather. China is affected. And that calamity strike Pearl River Delta. Combined with the rise of RMB and other reasons, the crisis have made thousands of factories and firms close down. The dawnsizing had already began in the reluctantly living companies. That means our future are really in gloom. I would have to find a job if failed in the graduate school exams next years. That would be a desaster for me. I can't even think about it. Well, future is futrure, I'd better keep studying and steady my pace.

Our teacher said, untill now there are only 2 fields haven't been affected temporarily. One is Officials, the other is state schools. The increasing thought is, if I'm so hostile to the social communications but so cared about education and full of social responsibility. What about being a teacher? And I like reading books, thinking all kinds of stuffs, writing articles and talking topics I care about...Teachers can live a far more simple life than other people. What's more, they have 2 long vacations and more freedom. Then we came to the conclusion, I still have to keep studying to make sure I can go to the graduate school and work in university I wish. I hope to work in a good university via my personal ability. However I know, Guanxi can't be missing. But ability is kernel for me.

[Drowing] Relief

With a cup of hot coffee I sat alone all day waiting for relief that never came.

By and by, the original vivid feeling become vague and finally become part of my memories. Unconsciously, the pains once brought me tons of tears fade away; Silently, the felicities that I sware to myself to memorize for good die away. I ask to myself, what can't be forgot after all. What kind of relief on earth I begged for so long?

I draw a lot recently, maybe that's kind of relief. Longing for piece make me wanna keep silent and cease to talk and argue. Everytime the war begins, I give the battle. Expressing myself by drawing can really comfort me and make me away from racket.

I wish nothing would mar the placidity of my life.

Nova Music No.4 Trip.Hop/Dream.Pop

Nova Music No.4

[Tracks]
01、[100.000 Years].Jay-Jay Johanson——[Rush(2005)]
02、[Rock It(acoustic demo)].Jay-Jay Johanson——[Rush(2005)]
03、[Sweep].Blue Foundation——[Sweep Of Days(2004)]
04、[As I Moved On].Blue Foundation——[Sweep Of Days(2004)]
05、[My Day].Blue Foundation——[Sweep Of Days(2004)]
06、[Hell Is Around The Corner].Tricky——[Maxinquaye(1995)]
07、[Drama 73].Airlock——[Drystar(2002-10-22)]
08、[Wonderful Things].Cranes——[Cranes(2008)]
09、[Creating Artificial Machine Love].Ruxpin——[Elysium(2006-10-24)］
10、[Half Life(instrumental)].Sneaker Pimps——[Splinter(1999-12-14)]
11、[Destroying Angel(instrumental)].Sneaker Pimps——[Splinter(1999-12-14)]
12、[Low Five(instrumental)].Sneaker Pimps——[Splinter(1999-12-14)]

[Download]
http://www.rayfile.com/files/1acadf9c-b875-11dd-a1a7-0019d11a795f/

[Drowing] Mess-Up

Try hard to perfect self only to find self is the only limit.

Although was messed with the information of all kinds of media consatantly, I still keep absorbing a lot. That habit nearly drive me crazy. Or it can't be called as "habbit", it's more like obligation. Noone force me to be like this. I myself choose to plunge into the media. It's me want to work in the media. Nobody but me can solve this problem.

Last night I went to see the movie Trois Couleurs: Rouge (Red), directed by Kieslowsky. That's probably the third time to watch the film but still made me think over and over.

See, happy brought cease easily when hobby become works. It can't be blamed to anyone. I have to check my heart.

I like neatening photos in my computer every weekend and picked a few to make posters or covers. I enjoy staying up quite late in order to finish the posters.

For Wang Xin always being in the labrary and Gao Hong living in her girlfriend's dorm I live in the dorm alone. At first I feel uncomfortable being alone. By and by, the advantages flow to the surface. I don't have to put on my earphone. That quite hurts my ears. And silence do a lot favor to my study, for instance, I can read the English novel aloud without disturbing others and recite words efficiently. When I'm down, I can burst into tears without showing my weakness to others. However...It's easy to feel boring.

[Drawing] Temptation

Temptation can be fatal.

Nothing special today.

After watching a TV show introduced Obama I was inspired by him and understood why the majority of American are so crazy about him. I was attracted by his enthusiasm, humor and confidence. It's said that he run 3 miles a day, that's why he looks so healthy and handsome. I can't wait to search his speeches on the Internet and read them a whole day. Then I'm sure It is the time give Obama a chace to win and he seized the oppotunity by his ability and talent. US beiing in trouble apply Obama a stage to show his power. I hope he will succeed.

Yesterday I was exciting for downloading Nickelback's new album, Dark Horse. I repeated those songs million times, sang aloud along with the music, and listen to them while jogging. Nickelback means a lot to me, including the memories with Ding back to senior high school.

Smiling Face

Our university hosts the 2008 Asian Schools Football Championship recently. Football players from many countries gather here. They always wander together in their uniforms. That's really a fresh scene. People of all kinds of races and different colors light up the mood of our campus.

As I walked back to dorm with Yoyo After my classes this afternoon we came aross a group of players. They had chocolate colors and chatted with each other happily. Suddenly, a guy behind his mates gave me a big smile. I was taken aback and forget smiling back. When they passed away I turned away immediately and smiled towards him. Then I saw him turning back either and smiling to me. I was happy for having his mild smile. This smile was likely to be the most exciting moment recently. It definitely ease my pain.

Pains

Happy time, easy come easy go. I try my best to control myself and be possitive, put the anxiety down, but useless.

Last night I said something really bad to Ding. When we talk on phone he mentioned how abnormal his teacher of PR was. Ignore her, I answered. He lost his temper and said, I know what to do, telling you this didn't mean I expect your answers or so-called solutions. I calm my anger and told him if he had nothing to say I would go to sleep. I hang up the phone but couldn't close my eyes. This was not the first time he talk to me in that way. He stressed his likes and dislikes over and over again. That make me anxious all the time. I think that's kind of the reason why I always doubt myself even be harsh on me. What was worse, I lost my control and sent him a very caustical message then turn off my phone.

Obviously I can't be happy or relaxed today. The words I said, the attitude he had, the things happened before. Those knives fly to me and chop my heart into pieces. We haven't had heat-to-heart talk recently, after what happened last night, it only made things worse. Or just like before, We choose to forget even pretend it never occured. But I can't forget.

I don't kown from when I can't communicate with him. The relationship became fragile and strange. I'm not sure if he wanna talk to me. I sunk into the old days we had. How close we used to be.

I asked him if he care about me being hurt by messages. He asked me instead, what is "care ahout" and what is "not care about". Then I know my try means nothing and nothing can ease my pains.

Happy Time

Reading The Selected Short Stories of Mark Twain aloud help me to understand the novels better. I hope to find some good methods to improve my English writting.

I was happy yesterday for eating my favorite cheese bread and an icecream. But my happy time comes so easy and goes fast since the guilt of gaining weight. So I have to work out in the evening. In fact, jogging at night is very comfortable. That is the only time I can neglect the people and fall into my thougts deeply. By and by, I lose lots of weight and become fit. I kinda like this feeling. It's good to be with my own.

For most of the time I'm hypersensitive and emotional. That always make me wanna isolate with people around me. I shouldn't be hostile to friends.

[Photo] The Press of My Life

My Hometown Luoyang
Photo by Yiting.W
Ancient City Wall

Ancient street, behind the ancient city wall, aimed attracting travellers.

Ancient City Wall

Wang Cheng Park, used to be the palace of a King in Qing Dynasty. Luoyang museum, displays large amounts of antiques from thousands of years ago till Qing Dynasty.

Treasure tripod, the symbol of emperor's power.

Today I went to the library to borrow 2 books about movie. One is Cinema And Cultural Modernity written by Gill Branston, the other is Literature On Film And Television written by Professor Zhou Xing and Professor Huang Hui-Lin. It seems finally I find a way to connect the film study and English study together.

Yesterday I spent the night with Ding Yi. After having sex he slept again and I began to read The 6 Chapters Of The Floating Life by his side. Honestly it's not what I expect. The only thing I care is if we can have a real chat all about us. But...same old way. Perhaps what man really looking forward is sex, not chats. While kept staring at his back I lit a cigarette one after another. Maybe that is love. Maybe that is what all lovers become anyway. Maybe that's the end of all couples' lives. Everytime I want to hold him tightly he's not here.

The theme of the composition of TOEFL I reviewed tonight is What I prefer: Staying one place or moving in searching of another palce. In fact my friends and I talking about it all the time. We always confused in the guilt of going out to see the world leaving our parents alone. I am a lonely child, I have the responsibility to take care of my parents, but I don't like to spend my entire life in my hometown even though I love her. Luoyang is small and lacking of the free circumstances I desire. Of course I can let my parents live with me when I settled down in the future. But is that the life they want? I don't know. And I don't know what my future husband will think. Maybe it's too far and what I can do is "let it be".

I can feel the press. It makes me breathless. And I have to find lots of ways to solve these problems. Reading books perhaps can find me way out and solace me.

What is love about

Reading the book Six Chapters of a Floating Life I bought yesterday makes me keep thinking about love and life. The writer Shen Fu lived in Qing Dynasty and was a great writer and artist.

People say his wife Chen Yun is the best woman in history. Shen Fu was in deeply love with her. They talked about poetry, literiture, and toured together. Yun could do whatever she can to help Shen Fu, and understood him, stand by his side, even being misunderstood by his family. She swallow the sorrows. Shen Fu protected her from his parents' harm. Shen said it's better for the couples to be unacquainted even dislike each other for not being so hurt after one of them passed away.

It makes me think about Ding Yi.

Today I have to work on the magazin Town. actually I prefer to rest and read some book. And I haven't finish my schoolwork. Writting thesis on 4 topics of communication history is a huge task for me. I have no clue.

[Photo] Coming Back, Nothing Change

Being in Guangzhou didn't makes me feel relaxed or happy. On the contrary, I feel down and down. The memories of Maximilian's show on last night faded out. After the show ended, Yoyo and I walked back to the hotel. We talked about the tiresome life recently, the interests we share, the misery past of our parents. Everything became farawy and unreal. Listening her talking I usually became wordless.

Ultimately, we are different people, both of us can't uderstand each other very well rooting in our different home backgrounds. That's kind of reason I feel hard to explain some of my thoughts. But that's not a big deal. She is a great friend.

The path accessing to the graduate shool of BNU is very hard, especially I'm always pessimistic. Maybe that because I doubt American dream from bottom of my heart. That influenced by the complex guanxi in China although personal ability is all-important.

Yes...I have to adapt myself to the society, I have to take part in the competition. So I have to keep working hard or whatelse can I wait for?

Devoting myself to the movies, books and TOEFl is a comfort.

Talking about future Yoyo asked me if I really can give up my ambition, peacockery and care nothing about people's judgement and my parents' hope then do whatever I expect even trapped in poverty. I answered 'yes' but in fact I have no idea of the changes might happen. I have no trust in myself. Maybe I am a coward. I hate myself being like this. How can I become the person I hope if lacking in self-confidence and easily giving up?

Focus.Focus.Focus...

Head Noth to Guangzhou Again

It is the second time that I head north to Guangzhou this month, acompanying my friend Yoyo. There is a live show of Maximillan Hecker tonight. She love his songs. I don't have such deep feelings. But...what matters. Enjoy the music.

Last time I saw my favorite singer,Li Zhi. I can't forget that feelings when I listen to him watching him palying the guitar...That melody and lyrics came through my body and souls.

Looking forward tonight.